Only seven at the moment sorry...

• I was in Leeds recently when a man puled up to me in his car and said excuse me mate, is there a B&Q in Leeds? I said No, its L-E-E-D-S

• I was in Liverpool recently and I bought advent calender, all the windows were boarded up.

• Whats the biggest city in Ireland? Dublin, because it keeps Dublin and Dublin in size!!!

Say this to your self in a scottish accent...

• Two scottish tourists and a tour guide were on a canadian mountain when a big brown shape just ran passed them, what was that? one of the scottish tourists asked oh, it was just a moose, the tour guide replied, so the scottish tourist said If that was a moose I'd hate to see the size of your rats!!!!!

This is his favorite at the moment...

• 'I had a compliment on my driving the other day. I got back to my car and there was a note on my windscreen saying Parking Fine, which I thought was nice!'

• Have you heard? Micheal Jackson's getting back togehther ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (don't put the ha's in!!!)

• A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud knock at the door. The man answers angrily to find a 6 ft stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the heck is this?" he shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious attack in a flurry of kicks and punches - then leaves. The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but is naturally not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries.

  Finally, one day he tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is sympathetic. "I understand," he says, "there is a nasty bug going around at the moment..."